Did I do it just after my half wedding ???

Pampered to all the love from people and waking up to songs I really like,its that magical feeling to get importance finally in that house which only complained all my life for coming home late night or wearing short clothes.You must be wondering why,well the answer is very dramatic "Finally I'm getting married".

I have not even got over my past boyfriend I miss him so much at times when I desperately want to kiss or even make love.He was good at it and I don't really know if Varun is that good enough in bed.Lets admit sex is very important people get divorced if their partners cannot satisfy them in bed.

My parents have already started getting emotional,only 6 days to go and im gone forever away from this life of singlehood.I am excited too but dont really know if im excited about my wedding or its about just running away.After a long time I thought about smoking weed just to make sure I dont miss it after my wedding and than to my surprise Varun calls me sounding all dizzy and desparate asking me to finally meet him in private I thought it would be a great idea atleast to feel his lips that is if I'm lucky enough.I quickly dressed up and left in the middle of the night jumping out of my balcony just like hindi movies runaway bride but with my fiance lol.

We spent time by the lake talking and when we just got into the mood to kiss his phone rang it was a man talking and he sounded very sensitive while in conversation before any good could happen we left.he called me next morning to confess just on our wedding day that he was having an affair with a man but he was a bisexual and could takecare of both the relationships if we got married.

For a moment I froze but anyway I could not let myself out to anybody and this marraige seemed to be a compromise moreover.This happened on the wedding afternoon,I thought about everything and still continued to be a part of the ceremonial preparations without an inch of worry that if I marry this man I will have to compromise on many things but than he was honest enough and than I could also continue with my so called affair with my ex boyfriend.This would be the best opportunity to go ahead with a proposal like this where I could do what I want and not be worried about any external pressure.

I entered the wedding hall all decked up Varun looked fabulous,you can imagine a gay boy he looked absolutely stunning.After the seven vows when he was about to put sindoor I told him to stop told everyone "My husband today told me he is a bisexual and wants to marry me cause he loves me I dont find it odd and socially unacceptable to have this man besides me for the rest of my life" I was loud and clear .

I did this out of courage to tell all the people who told me that he was a gay I am proud to be with him and we were in a mutually accepted relationship knowing about eachother.

I found Happiness in her tears

She left house dressed so well like she went to walk on the ramp,I stared at her even when I knew she felt uncomfortable with my stare.I wanted her to know that she was very special to me and I would want to marry her.But she never gave any positive signs,for months I went down to her place followed her and then finally comes the day when I had to tell her how much I love her and how much I want her in my life.

I love you ,will you marry me? I asked her trembling ."Sure if you have money" she said.I wanted to just tell her how materialistic she could be.She laughed and said "I was just kidding , I have seen you stalk me all the time outside my class,house,student meetings . " "So what is your answer ?" I asked shamelessly like was wanted result and just run away from there."Tomorrow I will tel you for coffee" she smiled and left

 We spent time and hanged out and finally we were in a relationship.We got married and she loved me equally even when she could easily find anyone better I always felt insecure about it.I could never get over this fact and got scared if someone would take her away from me..

After 2 months of marriage

"Vikram ,boss is taking us out , after so many days he realized how much we work for him" she sounded all excited and happy.I just don't know why I felt unhappy thought that she will taken away from me so I thought I should include myself in her plans and self invited to the get together she was going for."What shall I wear?" I asked her she reluctantly replied "Its only for the staff".She returned home late and I was getting angry because I had weird thoughts throughout the night.

I argued with her and we stopped talking for a while infact a couple of days.

"Vikram I'll be late today I am going out with my work people " she said like she did not really care.When she was back at 3am I locked the door she kept knocking I did not open early morning just to realise that she was sitting at the door
"What is wrong with you Vikram?When I told you I'll be late why did you lock the door from inside?"she cried I ignored she pulled my hand and asked me once again I got aggressive and slapped her that was the first time I raised my hands on her.As she was crying I felt bad and tried to hold her but she raged with fire and said "How dare you touch me?I'm going away from you I dont want to stay with you Vikram" I tried to stop her but she seemed to have already decided so before she could do it I twisted her hand and told her if she left I would break her bones.She cried and asked me to leave her hand it was hurting her I was enjoying it.
"What has happened to you?Why you behaving like this?" she asked me crying and screaming all I did was continued to hurt her more."What the fuck were you doing so late with that man?Helping him serve you or were you serving his needs?" I asked.
"Did you just ask me that Vikram?Are you that same man who said you would love me till death?"
"I still love you but I cant share you with anyone love"
"I hate you"
After hearing that I was sure she had an affair with her boss and she wanted to leave me rather get rid of me but I wouldnt let that happen so I locked her up inside the room and did not open for full day.She screamt so loudly that she wanted to piss and she was hungry and thirsty I still did not open .What if she ran away?
I opened in the night got her food she was lying in her piss on the floor.I caressed her and told her that I love her she was numb on the floor with her lip torn.
I wanted to tell her that Im sorry and I love her like nobody,she was numb with no reaction.
I told her boss she quit the job and made her sit at home and now I had my wife close to me.I was happy but she was not or may be she was I just could not feel it after all she was with her husband.
I made love to her all day and night but it was not like before she did not scream the way she did out of pleasure.I was again insecure so I started beating her up for her to react in bed while making love.I enjoyed when she screamt.
One day her boss came to my door I wanted to break his face ,he wanted to see if she was fine."Darling your loving boss is here to see you"
She trembled to come out I brought her out her boss asked her how was she and she clearly lied she was fine.As I went to make tea for them and returned I saw that the boss had his hands on her shoulder I fired him to get out of the house.
For about 22 days this went on but one day her parents came home to take her back to their city which was 1 hour from where we stayed I was thinking of reasons to stop but she left.
One day I called her and her sister picked up the phone when I asked her to give the phone to my wife she said "Didi Arjun ke saath busy hain aapse baat nai karegi".I got so angry after all my wife was having fun with the so called childhood friend.
I wrapped my face with scarf wore a helmet and stalked her I had to make sure all the men around her dont get attarcted to her so I decided to do this
I through acid on her face her pretty face I scared it forever and I was very happy about it.I could not be more happy than this,it was victory for me to have this done.
Today she is half paralysed I watch her in pain sometimes tears fall but I feel so happy with this I cant let go off this feeling of happiness and may be she knows about this being done by me I dont care coz Preeti is not pretty anymore....

She broke down once again ...

It was just a few months that she was getting ready to accept new life and challenges that come along with it. She left her pain aside and now focusing on her new challenges she was facing in her day to day life. A day did not pass without thinking about him then what happened to dear God she prayed everyday for her happiness and only wish to heal her from all then pain given by him?

She went in search of every place where she could not remember him or any of his memories which would leave her in pain and tried to avoid contact with him because it only lead to temporary happiness and permanent damage.

"Please make sure if I happen to see him today you keep me strong not to fall for it again, I hope I have a great day ahead and none of his memories bring me pain. Please make me strong, please." she prayed everyday on the same lines.

After five months he decided to talk to her in an accident at the shop; he told her she looked pretty and he would never let go off her. She did not understand how to react she was lost and wanted to escape the moment,"Gosh did that just happened? If it did does that mean he realizes my worth in his life after going to someone else? Does he want me back and if he does then does he deserve that chance? What about the times he hurt me? What about the days when I was alone and nobody was there to take care of me and I did that all alone by myself? Did I do a mistake stopping by? Can I trust what just happened and his urge to meet me? So many questions troubled me after meeting him that day... Why my drive was so troubled to work that day? Once again all this was washing through my eyes and I was left speechless again...

So finally I did not meet him, I was busy and had no courage to face this again, what would I do then? Ask him those questions which left me numb for a longtime and he was on a great holiday moment while I was in pain.

I met him next day he cried he wants me back and what could I do with that? I remembered how much I begged him not to leave me, shall I do the same? But I love him my inner voice said...

I gave him a chance, I decided let this happen if he really wants me bad. Things were a little different his touch was not that magical anymore.

I began to rethink I still had time to leave, but emotions in mind were not letting me...

I said to myself it’s time to just decide to be with him again. I said yes to him let’s do it. We had a great weekend I traveled for him again like old times and spent a good holiday shopping ,eating and just being in his arms.

When I traveled back alone to hometown and 2 days past with my work schedule still intact I met a few friends who discussed how badly I was dumped over I also got added information what an asshole he could be to sleep around with every women and I had no f#$%*&g idea.

I lost my thinking capacity and left home immediately to add to it this kinky bitch he was last seeing has a conversation that she was still in contact with him. I fired him ,I fired her and left this relationship once again.

Having said that now once again I feel disturbed and I cannot concentrate on anything and I want to hold him and kiss him and have him around me but I cannot trust him and this has broken me down…

That Frozen Moment ...

That frozen moment

She felt careless about herself, she woke up late read only page3 precisely horoscope and went to sleep back with no plans for the day. So what was her background to survive in a city like Mumbai without working? Well she was the only child to member of legislative assembly of Goa.She was not a spoilt child just that she did not know what to do with her boring life. She spent hours at home watching TV or at the most be out with a few friends who did not really know her family background. She did not drive her Mercedes parked but preferred roaming in an autorickshaw.She stood in front of the mirror always sulking on how bad she looked and left the house with short pants and loose t-shirt with sneakers and a shoulder bag filled with cigarettes and bottle of rum with loads of cash.

I know this is portraying an image of a spoilt child but your still getting her wrong she did smoke and drink but also made it a point she shares it with random buzzards she met on the streets even the ladies who smoked beedi.That gave her a sense of happiness and joy .She loved her life only for one reason and that is because she had infinite money she could spent on others and not really on herself. Now that we know so much about her let us know her name.

“I don’t really hang out with people like you but u seem to be wanting to smoke” she said to a stranger well dressed in formals who had a file in his hands looked like he had just answered an interview and was out with disappointment.”Yes can I borrow a smoke” he said.”Did you have a bad day at work?” “What more can u expect from Mumbai,so many vacancies and placement for none” he said.”Yeh Mumbai hai meri jaan sapnon ki nagri”(this is Mumbai my love city of dreams) she said and he continued “Jahaan sirf sapne hai sacchai nahi”(only dreams no reality).They had a long conversation for 1 hour and laughed and exchanged views looked like they were living similar life.

Before departure he asked her name “You tell me yours first” she said “Vinod D’silva” she laughed “Your name is a Hindu name and surname is Catholic?””I know I am not going to meet you again that is why I would tell you my mother is a Hindu who works as a maid and I am her unwanted child to a very big man in Goa” he said. “You’re from Goa?” she asked surprisingly adding to that she became more curious to know what position his father had in Goa.”How does that matter? He left us on our own and I don’t like to add his name to mine but because of mother I do “he said “Not that it will make any difference to me but my horoscope said today that there would be some breathtaking episode and I would be speechless, it’s ok if you don’t want to tell I don’t want to hurt you” she empathized.”Forget about me tell me your story you look like a rich girl who wants to talk a lot but does not really know how” he said

Hahahhahaha she laughed “You’re the first one who gave correct conclusion about me ,yes my name is Sara with the same surname like yours and I’m from Goa who does not really care for anyone just trying to spend all my dad’s black money” she continued to laugh.”Wow we share something common, what your dad does? Contract killer by any chance?” he added humor.”Well he is a member of legislative assembly his name is Francis D’Silva” she said

Suddenly Vinod looked angry and wanted to leave, he gave Sara bad stares and told her to back off while she went to stop him.”Hey what is the problem Vinod why are you going is there something wrong I said?” she felt worried and asked him pulling his arms.

“Our dad is a fucking bastard Sara ” he left

She walked silently with tears rolling down her face feeling so numb and frozen. She felt restless and angry but had no reaction on face. She just walked towards an auto rickshaw and left home.

World is a small place…

Picture Imperfect!!!

Early morning I woke up freshened up to the memories of him taking a shower with me and waking me up by kissing me and cuddling with me, playing with my hair...

I make just one mug of tea now and have cornflakes with chocolate cookies all alone only smiling and crying sometimes as I miss his presence in my life...

A year back exactly on this day he left home for work and left me a message in an envelope with a packet he asked me to read it once he left. I looked at him and told him not to go as I wanted to spend time with him just watching him pamper me and taking all the attention from him.

He dragged his feet to leave home and I tried to stop wearing his shirt and just tempting him to wait back “Naisha my Baby I have to go to work you can’t be so unfair in letting me go this way so dry” he said I laughed and hugged him bit his lips and he left. I read the note he left for me “My wild Meow tonight I'll be back early light the candles and wear this sexy gown I got for you I want to see you dance on ‘In Aankhon Ki Masti’ the way you did when we went for our honeymoon” I jumped out of joy my husband still remembers and waits for my performances I thought to myself..

Evening I waited for long for him to come all dressed and excited with erotic music in the background and all scented candles lit I was just looking at the door. It was 11 30 pm I started getting worried and tried calling him several times he did not answer I called at his work place they said he left at 6 pm.I began to worry and there I got a call “Your husband has met with a bad accident kindly come to city hospital” for a few seconds I froze and I could not hear anything I quickly gathered myself and rushed to the hospital.

At the hospital I saw a man apologising to me and crying “It’s all my fault please forgive me” he said I could barely hear anything I wanted to see Aditya my husband. Doctors had taken him to the operation theatre and I was sitting there all numb waiting for the red lights to go off and see my husband. Every second was heavy and urge to see him was slowing down as I was scared to see him in pain. Those few hours I lived all our life just thinking about him and our time spent. I prayed to God for his safety and life.

Red lights went off “I am sorry” doctor said I stared at him badly “he is in coma” I rushed inside “Aditya” I cried hoping he would respond but he was all bruised with eyes closed.

Years passed I had no complaints of him not responding I knew he could see me hear me and want to love me I waited for him to just take my name I continued to behave like the way it used to be earlier I woke up made breakfast brushed his teeth shaved played with his hair everything was so abnormal but I tried to make it normal. He cried sometimes I knew his wish was left unanswered I made sure I dance everyday for him and make love and kiss him and play around with him.

Not a single day would go with tears I was happy to have my husband back after all. I was thankful to God as he gave me my life back... My mother in law cried watching me smile and said she was lucky that her son made right choice to marry me...

One morning he did not respond with a blink I touched his face it was cold I felt his arms they were hard I called the doctor

 “I want him back God don’t take him away from me, my life lies in him bring my life back please”  I scream .After 4 years after his accident he took my soul mate away from me. I realised these were bonus days he granted him for me but I am selfish I want him. You can’t be that mean it was not his fault please bring him back I want him I cried after those long years of no tears.

Today I am left with so many memories with him and I dedicate my life to him by helping street children and hoping he would be proud of me.

I love you Aditya and you are the best part of me...

I miss you...

Confessions of the sensitive ME

What did I want in life just a good career, good house, stable finance and most importantly a healthy love life with no shadows of my past. Let me share some dirty details of my past well, I dated a guy who was very poor.

No it’s not what you think, I only meant poor with values and morals. Well coming from the top most rich family background all I heard from my family was stay away from roadside people and only to hang around in a gang of rich monkeys.Lol!! I had allergy towards rich boys always thought they are spoilt and would only want to be with a girl to have sex.

Well that’s me I was always in my own little space of some rubbish beliefs now I can say that. The reason to share my story is that today I am feeling free with absolutely no worries to get cheated or to lose anybody or even worried waking up with fear of troubled days. I went through rough relationship and today I am going to confess a few things nobody would want to hear

Hey Mr. Y I am not  sorry you always troubled me by looking at the rest of the girls in my presence and making it look like you are innocent sorry but I am clever and I have seen you all the time never wanted to tell you coz I was afraid of you leaving me ..

Hey Mr. Y I am not sorry for you abused the shit out of me and I got hurt terribly but never left you, I made efforts to be with you and forget of all the bad words you gave me even in the slightest argument we had coz I was afraid of you leaving me…

Hey Mr. Y I am not sorry for you dropped my pressure down by having sex with somebody in my absence and broke my trust and made me insecure about us. Cheating cannot just happen unknowingly right it’s like telling me “Baby I am sorry I accidentally had sex with someone”…I still did not leave you may be my tantrums were something out of control well isn’t that obvious how can I share you with someone and here it was like I am with a public man anybody could use for satisfaction still I did not leave you and tried to build our broken relationship coz I was afraid of you leaving me…

Hey Mr. Y I am not sorry for you not caring about me in my worst medical state and not being there for me when I needed you the most I understood that and gave you your space coz I was afraid of you leaving me…

Hey Mr. Y I am not sorry for you suddenly being a coward and telling me that you’re dumping me after all the mess you created in my life and having the audacity to come and tell me that this cannot work out. How much did I beg for us to be us how much did I want you with me all the time I dreamt of us together I dreamt of our life as one u got so ungrateful and asked me to just breakup? Suddenly you became so selfish talking about focusing on your career? Suddenly you remembered that our families would have a problem? Suddenly you realized that I have changed so much turning into an arrogant person coz of your doings?

Why are you forcing me in this relationship??  Said Mr. Y

Did you have at least little respect for me? Now I am saying this with all my heart  I was not with you for your looks coz you’re not that impressive I was not with you for money which you did not have I was not with you for fame I have more followers and contacts than you I was not with you coz I feel I would not get anybody I can show you a great battle of boys who want to be with me at this moment while I am typing I was not with you coz you were good at your profession coz when I said yes to you I hardly saw your work.

I was with you coz I genuinely loved you, I dreamt of you being mine forever where I had the rights to touch you and solely only I had the right to be in bed with you saw our future together and that why I was scared of losing that person of my fantasy I lived with you as him.

Reality is different you have given me blows on my heart I cannot imagine for doing nothing but wanting to be with you. I am not sorry and I am not afraid anymore …..

Loneliness Is Killing Me

I am blessed with great skills to make people laugh,entertain and keep them engaged in a conversation with me (any age group) thats my greatest strength.After Completion of my studies I decided to pursue my career and hence joined Wipro office as a consultant.I met an old friend of mine at the same office and fell in love with him.He made me feel so special everyday that i could give up everything for him.I was fading my identity in his colors and began to slowly turn into someone he wanted and not I actually am.
It seemed like I was hypnotized and his magic was so powerful that i forgot my friend circle my hobbies and every single part of my investment for happiness in life.Everything was going so good ,when one day I had to leave for an office trip for a month to Delhi he cried at the station that he would miss me and all of that I continued to tell him its just going to be for a month and il b back soon.
Initially he spoke to me after every 10 minutes then it decreased to 4 calls a day and further to only me calling him.I left every part of me for him how could he forget that?Once I was back I found something going unusual between us.Accidentally his phone was in my hands and it rang with a photograph of him with a girl it said Harsha calling I kept quiet and told him there was her missed call he got nervous and started apologizing and said that he got drifted for about four days with her and asked for forgiveness
which eventually I did,yes I forgive him.

A year later I found out that he was in multiple relationships with everyone and in my absence he slept with all these women he met.I broke down completely and decided to break up with him.the news echoed in my office and everyone started asking me about it ,I felt uncomfortable so the best option was to quit my job and stay at home.he pleaded and cried to give him one last chance and the soft heart that I have again i gave him a chance he made me feel special for some days and later again treatment of a servant I felt miserable and today after going through all this somewhere I feel I am too used to his presence or I am being selfish as leaving him might just kill me with a feeling of loneliness.I dont have friends who would come and spend time with me I have no relatives who would ask me about my well being.Its just me alone in this big world of assholes and fools like me...

I got the power !!!

"Make sure that you don’t look directly into their eyes and keep smiling with your eyes down or else they might just call off this proposal" said my Mother .She was scared I would miss this proposal as I am crossing my standard age of marriage, by the way who made this holy book which spoke about certain things that should be followed by a girl and certain by a women that is not it, certain code of conduct even for elderly women too. Why not a code of conduct for men then?? I asked my mother quickly "Why Maa  I should know the type of boy I would want to marry" she replied "It’s not that your 18 to make your choice by the grace of God you got this proposal at this age 25 is alarming situation so just shut-up and learn to respect our wish  " 

I felt like now I am a trained soldier to enter the marriage Cargill to go and obey the commandos all around me and continue to serve to country which would be my in laws family.

I entered the hall where the family was sitting along with my younger cousin and sat quietly, I tried to peep and see who the boy would be but I could not see anyone. The mother said hi to me with pride and introduced me to the family members beginning with her brother, daughters, grandparents I assumed she is a widow and there she said she was one and lost her husband just when her son was 7 years old he is the youngest.

After about 15 minutes one man entered I was scared that this might be him as he was going to be late and yes it was him I could not raise my eyes as I was scared and nervous as well.”Sapna this is Rishi my son" his mother said I shook hands with him and looked at him. He looked above 35 years to me I wanted some time alone with him to talk but I was not getting a chance and he looked tamed by his family so he did not make any initiative. God I want to talk to him before I am couriered to his place.

My father inquired about him and he was an engineer and loved gardening and cooking as part time. My father very proudly announced my PHD in psychology and told them about my part time activities of spending time with special children and social activism, quickly his mother also added that Rishi also is a social activist fighting for equality in sex .I was super impressed with that, suddenly I heard whispers from his sisters who were asking to give us time alone and we were allowed in the most obvious situation to go out in the garden and talk.

Hi as you already know my name is Rishi I would like to know about you Sapna he said "I am Sapna you know that too and I would like to know about you " I said and we both laughed we started talking about each other and our likes and hobbies I got kind of comfortable with him so I opened up a little more to know his views about women "What if I wore short skirt today and got introduced to you as a modern girl for this proposal?" I said "Well I would not be here talking to you then" his answer was quiet quick

"So you have a problem with the dressing?”

“Yea actually I hate it when women expose unnecessarily trying to grab attention now look at you, you’re wearing a beautiful sari like an Indian women with great appearance I like it that way. He said

“So women dressed in western outfit is unethical ?”I asked

“Totally, first they call for attention with indecent clothes then cry for being chased by men” he laughed

“I am sorry to know that an activist like you fighting for equality has such sick thoughts Rishi I really began liking your views till you just spoke your heart out about your narrow mentality”

He looked at me and tried to rectify I did not give him any chance to speak and moved out to the hall where the families were sitting and made a quick announcement that I am calling this proposal off My mother looked at me with shock

This man Rishi is a so called activist for equality of sex in the society who is still not aware that women here are asking for freedom and respect not for sick man like these to make a judgment of what a women should wear and how she should behave and talk, for that our parents take years to mould us in being good citizens Rishi you cannot try to change someone. Change your sick mentality which says girls who wear western clothes don’t portray good ethics in that case your sister is wearing a backless blouse her husband should leave her? I am sorry I cannot be a part of this hypocrisy I said and left with pride and no regrets

 “Why should you bow down to a man with no respect to women and follow his life patterns? We are free to do what we like and not be an actor faking a character which is not our real face”