You hurt me, and this time no coming back !!!

Chapter 1 - Introduction to basics

After all the thesis of love we go through,experiences we are told and some we go through this is me Mariam,trying to make sense of this life given to me who everyone would crave for.

Falling in love is not really easy you know,I wanted to fall in love this one last time but with whole guarantee it would lead me to a commitment.But,its me again innocent enough to trust vultures again and again and again... Sorry wrote that too many times for special effect...Before I tell you about this new vulture let me share my decent life with you.

I am Mariam Kazi, born in an extremely warm environment,rich enough to buy any luxury demanded for,completely a celebrity life with amazing non conservative family.Like every girl I want to marry like my parents did and my grandparents and so on....  But in order to get there I needed a man who stand at least close to my expectations....

Oh my expectations are listed below

• Independent
• Educated
• Sensitive
• Caring
• Loves me and my family 
• Responsible
• Adventurous
• Humorous
• Witty
• Empathetic 
• Bollywood Person (believes in Bollywood romance basically)

Urrrghhhh !!!! Quiet a cliched description right??? But, yes this is me and my expectations,hope not too many to be real.....

To be continued.......

Chapter 2-He arrived out of Blue

It was a normal day,morning breakfast with my lovely family lots of cuddles to my turtles and fish (Imaginary ones of-course) pet person that I am.Coming back,it was a normal day went to work started lining up my meetings and there was a friend request from a guy who looked decently cute but hardly any pictures to make a judgement and know if I had to accept.

Exactly three days later he messaged me something unusual "I can barely get my eyes off you,can I please get the opportunity to meet you once".Alert !!! "This was a trap" my mind said but heart said "Go for it,he is the man".

In this whole confusion,I decided to go with my heart and replied "Hey Hi !!! " I replied.Immediately there was a reply like he was waiting for my text.The conversation was random and it went on for a long time.It sounded like this man had too many compliments to give me and I was wondering if this is the man.

He spoke to me for hours and I shared all my life in fact all my life in few conversations we had.There was an amazing chemistry we shared and so much love which was all I wanted.He made me want to love him and that is how we ended up meeting.

Now what do I wear,how to decide on a single dress when all look nice or nothing is looking great.I managed to pick one and felt I looked gorgeous enough to handle the first meet.

To be Continued.....

Chapter 3 - Bollywood Passion

What ???? Nooooo there was a man for real,he was mine and I was his love. OK,why I said Nooooooo,its too real to believe.I had to tell my parents..... Oh no not so soon....Or may be I should....

I'm a confused soul sometimes and too loyal to people I love and care for.My three best friends Sachit Gupta , Solandra Gomes , and Sumaya Gonsalves they are bonded souls and they are the ones who could go to any extent to see me happy.So I told them about Derrick,yes he was a catholic by religion and I am a Muslim.But who cares I know my family would accept it as they were liberal and he told me that he loves me and no matter what he would stand by me.They all had their own views mostly negative which I ignored because I was in love.

Im all set guys,love has taken me to a whole new level of excitement,now its just his turn to make the standard Shahrukh Khan move.

He proposed to me and I obviously said yes,Sachit warned me that this was going too fast and it should stop "I think your just jealous of because your scared of loosing me bozo" the careless mad naive lover in me said.

I made the big move,told my parents and initially they sounded reluctant but it settled a little later in sometime.

It was his time to tell home,and I was desperate,no more waiting is all I knew.This romance was getting intense and horses could not be pulled over again and again during the ascending moments.Oh this boy had charmed me way too much. 

To be continued .....

Chapter 4- Time Changing

It was a whole day passed he did not call or text me,what must have happened?My work got me so busy that looking at my phone a thousand times for his name was the only option instead of text/call from my side.

I was curious and time passing was only dropping my pressure so I called him "Hey what happened no call/text since morning is everything OK? " I asked. He behaved like nothing happened and very normally said "Yeah ! Just been busy and Oh by the way spoke to my parents about you". 

That was ringing glorious bells in my head fully energized containing myself that he behaved like nothing happened even though it was the most abnormal thing that happened between us.Anyway with excitement I asked him what did they say.

"Well my father asked me what do you do and what is your family background like? I told them that they were running transport business so immediately my father said must be underworld dealers son you better get away from them" he said.My heart sunk down to hear better get away from them I continued to be silent."Oh and he also asked me if your white skin as he wants the girl to be fairer to me" he said it with some joy."I told my dad she is not fair and that is OK she loves me crazy" he continued telling me with utmost belief that we are not going to be together as I am on darker skin tone and I belong to a rich family sorry transport business supposedly goons family.


With great conviction I asked him so what do we do? He replied "We need to just be friends may be as I cannot do without you and I love you".
Oh my where did I land myself into? Did a mistake again??? Wait he told me he would do anything for me,is it that my skin color changed everything? Or getting physically close showed him that we had bad chemistry so it was over?? I started thinking




To be continued....

Chapter 5 - Reality Always Gives Painful Blows

You and I Drowned In Paradox

Chapter 1-Boring Routine

Frustrated with work stress and constant marriage pressure this is me trying to still wash out some memories of past with the one and only who found peace in marrying some other one. Same old story is what girls at my age will relate to. I’m 29 yrs old figuring out what is life going to open up to me next while everyone around me looks to have given up on their expectations from me.

Considering that I have to settle down and finally see some men to find the potential groom I uploaded my profile on different match making websites, also not to forget I downloaded a dating application over my phone. I wasn’t really looking for men in my life I guess it was this social pressure seeing everyone marry and have babies. For Heaven sake my juniors at High school had babies. I was really depressed at one point thinking what if I die a virgin or die without any romance I always wanted to have in my fantasies, but friends around and socializing with work helped me get over. But somewhere it was sinking within, like other people I wanted to have a person who would love me more than I do, where was he? .....

On the other side a boy completely focused over his ambition of medicine, finding new ways of travel adventures was stuck up between gym and library. He decided over his vacation to download a dating application over his phone and find a potential date to get with the vacation. Young boys usually tend to date and forget, his mission was still unclear.

Considering that he has to be a responsible Neurosurgeon, he decided to get off the application as soon as vacation ends. Three days prior to the vacation end, he found me but I had not taken any interest yet.I possibly will never text back this kid I said....

To be continued...

Chapter 2- Budding Interest

The Profile picture looked of a young kid, I would definitely not look into it, and additionally I found only creeps on this app. One afternoon I got a message which said “Your smile so sweet and eyes so innocent you look like an angel and so on”. For long did I wait for this kind of compliment, I was confused as it was by him "the KID". I did not reply immediately, my grandparents were at home. I replied after hours to him but it was just to please him because he had messaged me I shouldn’t be rude right. So he replied immediately and I delayed again as I was busy and may be not interested. The messaging continued till he added me over another app and we started chatting almost every day. Now it was about making a phone call which he did and we spoke for hours, he heard me so persistently as if he it was a story. I spoke to him asked him about his age first as it was bothering me for quite a while, he kept changing the topic and said age is just a number.

Finally after long hours of conversation he said 21.5 yrs old, which was also justified by saying that if Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas could marry with that age difference why I could not think of it.

Not thinking much practically I don’t know why the attraction started increasing day by day and my knees started going weaker and weaker for this Man that he called himself. We established 3 rules in our friendship

No talking about age difference basically behaving like we are same age group

No hiding any secrets no matter what we share everything about each other everyday

Anytime we feel the other person has hurt you, we clearly tell instead of ignoring it

To be continued........

Chapter 3- Mad Lovers

With the above said rules we began this journey which I had no clue about, and where it was heading both of us .As days past we started growing strong liking towards each other, every day I would expect his call or message and wake-up to his timings. This man was turning into a disease with no cure, I knew for sure this was my path and I was beginning to trust him and know that my life is a journey with him and that is Prachit. He named me “Mehru” which meant a person who keeps smiling and has no flaws. How could I possibly fail this romance which happened after so many years just the way I only imagined it to be. There could only be one possibility I would reject this, the age, which was negligible in front of all that was happening between us.

He made a blockbuster move next; he came to Kerala with his shoulder bag just to meet me from Bangalore with enough money to see me for a little while at the station. This can happen only in movies right, but no this was for real. I got what I wanted and may be was waiting for this gift.After the first meet, things got more concrete for me in fact I was sure I will fight for him at home and the society and everything. I started writing poems for him, I haven’t written for 4 years, precisely after my breakup did not think I will ever write.He made me blush so much that I had to hold my cheeks which would hurt so badly.He spoke to me like an innocent child with mature authority over me which I gave him without a second thought.This man cant be real,but I was living my dream, and happiness had finally knocked my doors which I could not shut any longer.

Due to my work I had to travel to his hometown where he came to meet me again at the railway station to make sure I'm ok. Oh by the way I did not know how you travel by train till this trip.I did not feel alone at all the entire journey because he kept talking to me when range was alive.

He made me feel special in every way,we spoke dreams of having 2 daughters about having a small house.Living a complete marriage with a bond of friendship forever in it.This kept getting full of surprises everyday and meetings got more comfortable knowing that out last destination was together in this life.

To be continued...

Chapter 4- C’est la Vie

Time passed , he started saying something so cowardly.The time we used to speak decreased suddenly and felt like there is something going wrong,the messages were precise and love seemed to be fading.The man who made me fall in love had now been telling me that it is unfair to keep me waiting for that long. For who belonged to me had time to be online , but no time to ask about me.I shared my life with him,but all I knew was nothing .May be it was too immature of me,to fall for a teen who spoke so highly earlier but strangely nothing presently.

My connection with him weakened,my trust in love dropped back. I could not hold myself more so I told him its time I should start looking into the potential marriage proposals I was getting which unexpectedly he agreed.

My family began to worry,I was getting disturbed almost everyday with some haunting memories.I wanted to make so many but this was taking both of us in no harmony.

Knowing my dependency had increased over the routine he made for me,his texts,his name on my phone ringing,hours we spoke,sharing my days with him was being missed.His desparation certainly was no longer seen towards me.

I knew this was making me go back to those days,where being vulnerable is all that was seen.The love in me will last forever but I dont know if its going to be the same from him....

  

I Live You through your Music,I love you I will always do...

Those beautiful eyes,that shiny grey hair how could I fall in love with this unusual man...

As a wanderer I found some space in my heart for a man who could be comfortable there,who could give me the shelter I always needed,who could give me the support I always needed

As a Narcissist I found some place in my mind for a man who had taken all the admiration to himself,who was my new hobby,who kept running on my mind like a Tabla he plays that quiet well

What a beautiful dream it has been for last so many years,he took care of me like a baby I could hardly get rid of him at all

I glued myself to him,his aspirations in life I started to live,I gave him all my love and he loved me back with all his heart

He played music I never heard of,and today it runs in my blood and thoughts,like me he made  everyone dance like he hypnotised them for those many hours.

I felt like he broke many hearts who watched him do all that he magnified his presence wearing that cap going unseen but lighting fire of rage

He raced to create magic in music, to revive the dead music and souls who waited to hear it

He is not with me today and I miss his presence around me so all I can do is listen to his creations and feel him all around me

I live you through your music....

Did I do it just after my half wedding ???

Pampered to all the love from people and waking up to songs I really like,its that magical feeling to get importance finally in that house which only complained all my life for coming home late night or wearing short clothes.You must be wondering why,well the answer is very dramatic "Finally I'm getting married".

I have not even got over my past boyfriend I miss him so much at times when I desperately want to kiss or even make love.He was good at it and I don't really know if Varun is that good enough in bed.Lets admit sex is very important people get divorced if their partners cannot satisfy them in bed.

My parents have already started getting emotional,only 6 days to go and im gone forever away from this life of singlehood.I am excited too but dont really know if im excited about my wedding or its about just running away.After a long time I thought about smoking weed just to make sure I dont miss it after my wedding and than to my surprise Varun calls me sounding all dizzy and desparate asking me to finally meet him in private I thought it would be a great idea atleast to feel his lips that is if I'm lucky enough.I quickly dressed up and left in the middle of the night jumping out of my balcony just like hindi movies runaway bride but with my fiance lol.

We spent time by the lake talking and when we just got into the mood to kiss his phone rang it was a man talking and he sounded very sensitive while in conversation before any good could happen we left.he called me next morning to confess just on our wedding day that he was having an affair with a man but he was a bisexual and could takecare of both the relationships if we got married.

For a moment I froze but anyway I could not let myself out to anybody and this marraige seemed to be a compromise moreover.This happened on the wedding afternoon,I thought about everything and still continued to be a part of the ceremonial preparations without an inch of worry that if I marry this man I will have to compromise on many things but than he was honest enough and than I could also continue with my so called affair with my ex boyfriend.This would be the best opportunity to go ahead with a proposal like this where I could do what I want and not be worried about any external pressure.

I entered the wedding hall all decked up Varun looked fabulous,you can imagine a gay boy he looked absolutely stunning.After the seven vows when he was about to put sindoor I told him to stop told everyone "My husband today told me he is a bisexual and wants to marry me cause he loves me I dont find it odd and socially unacceptable to have this man besides me for the rest of my life" I was loud and clear .

I did this out of courage to tell all the people who told me that he was a gay I am proud to be with him and we were in a mutually accepted relationship knowing about eachother.

I found Happiness in her tears

She left house dressed so well like she went to walk on the ramp,I stared at her even when I knew she felt uncomfortable with my stare.I wanted her to know that she was very special to me and I would want to marry her.But she never gave any positive signs,for months I went down to her place followed her and then finally comes the day when I had to tell her how much I love her and how much I want her in my life.

I love you ,will you marry me? I asked her trembling ."Sure if you have money" she said.I wanted to just tell her how materialistic she could be.She laughed and said "I was just kidding , I have seen you stalk me all the time outside my class,house,student meetings . " "So what is your answer ?" I asked shamelessly like was wanted result and just run away from there."Tomorrow I will tel you for coffee" she smiled and left

 We spent time and hanged out and finally we were in a relationship.We got married and she loved me equally even when she could easily find anyone better I always felt insecure about it.I could never get over this fact and got scared if someone would take her away from me..

After 2 months of marriage

"Vikram ,boss is taking us out , after so many days he realized how much we work for him" she sounded all excited and happy.I just don't know why I felt unhappy thought that she will taken away from me so I thought I should include myself in her plans and self invited to the get together she was going for."What shall I wear?" I asked her she reluctantly replied "Its only for the staff".She returned home late and I was getting angry because I had weird thoughts throughout the night.

I argued with her and we stopped talking for a while infact a couple of days.

"Vikram I'll be late today I am going out with my work people " she said like she did not really care.When she was back at 3am I locked the door she kept knocking I did not open early morning just to realise that she was sitting at the door
"What is wrong with you Vikram?When I told you I'll be late why did you lock the door from inside?"she cried I ignored she pulled my hand and asked me once again I got aggressive and slapped her that was the first time I raised my hands on her.As she was crying I felt bad and tried to hold her but she raged with fire and said "How dare you touch me?I'm going away from you I dont want to stay with you Vikram" I tried to stop her but she seemed to have already decided so before she could do it I twisted her hand and told her if she left I would break her bones.She cried and asked me to leave her hand it was hurting her I was enjoying it.
"What has happened to you?Why you behaving like this?" she asked me crying and screaming all I did was continued to hurt her more."What the fuck were you doing so late with that man?Helping him serve you or were you serving his needs?" I asked.
"Did you just ask me that Vikram?Are you that same man who said you would love me till death?"
"I still love you but I cant share you with anyone love"
"I hate you"
After hearing that I was sure she had an affair with her boss and she wanted to leave me rather get rid of me but I wouldnt let that happen so I locked her up inside the room and did not open for full day.She screamt so loudly that she wanted to piss and she was hungry and thirsty I still did not open .What if she ran away?
I opened in the night got her food she was lying in her piss on the floor.I caressed her and told her that I love her she was numb on the floor with her lip torn.
I wanted to tell her that Im sorry and I love her like nobody,she was numb with no reaction.
I told her boss she quit the job and made her sit at home and now I had my wife close to me.I was happy but she was not or may be she was I just could not feel it after all she was with her husband.
I made love to her all day and night but it was not like before she did not scream the way she did out of pleasure.I was again insecure so I started beating her up for her to react in bed while making love.I enjoyed when she screamt.
One day her boss came to my door I wanted to break his face ,he wanted to see if she was fine."Darling your loving boss is here to see you"
She trembled to come out I brought her out her boss asked her how was she and she clearly lied she was fine.As I went to make tea for them and returned I saw that the boss had his hands on her shoulder I fired him to get out of the house.
For about 22 days this went on but one day her parents came home to take her back to their city which was 1 hour from where we stayed I was thinking of reasons to stop but she left.
One day I called her and her sister picked up the phone when I asked her to give the phone to my wife she said "Didi Arjun ke saath busy hain aapse baat nai karegi".I got so angry after all my wife was having fun with the so called childhood friend.
I wrapped my face with scarf wore a helmet and stalked her I had to make sure all the men around her dont get attarcted to her so I decided to do this
I through acid on her face her pretty face I scared it forever and I was very happy about it.I could not be more happy than this,it was victory for me to have this done.
Today she is half paralysed I watch her in pain sometimes tears fall but I feel so happy with this I cant let go off this feeling of happiness and may be she knows about this being done by me I dont care coz Preeti is not pretty anymore....

She broke down once again ...

It was just a few months that she was getting ready to accept new life and challenges that come along with it. She left her pain aside and now focusing on her new challenges she was facing in her day to day life. A day did not pass without thinking about him then what happened to dear God she prayed everyday for her happiness and only wish to heal her from all then pain given by him?

She went in search of every place where she could not remember him or any of his memories which would leave her in pain and tried to avoid contact with him because it only lead to temporary happiness and permanent damage.

"Please make sure if I happen to see him today you keep me strong not to fall for it again, I hope I have a great day ahead and none of his memories bring me pain. Please make me strong, please." she prayed everyday on the same lines.

After five months he decided to talk to her in an accident at the shop; he told her she looked pretty and he would never let go off her. She did not understand how to react she was lost and wanted to escape the moment,"Gosh did that just happened? If it did does that mean he realizes my worth in his life after going to someone else? Does he want me back and if he does then does he deserve that chance? What about the times he hurt me? What about the days when I was alone and nobody was there to take care of me and I did that all alone by myself? Did I do a mistake stopping by? Can I trust what just happened and his urge to meet me? So many questions troubled me after meeting him that day... Why my drive was so troubled to work that day? Once again all this was washing through my eyes and I was left speechless again...

So finally I did not meet him, I was busy and had no courage to face this again, what would I do then? Ask him those questions which left me numb for a longtime and he was on a great holiday moment while I was in pain.

I met him next day he cried he wants me back and what could I do with that? I remembered how much I begged him not to leave me, shall I do the same? But I love him my inner voice said...

I gave him a chance, I decided let this happen if he really wants me bad. Things were a little different his touch was not that magical anymore.

I began to rethink I still had time to leave, but emotions in mind were not letting me...

I said to myself it’s time to just decide to be with him again. I said yes to him let’s do it. We had a great weekend I traveled for him again like old times and spent a good holiday shopping ,eating and just being in his arms.

When I traveled back alone to hometown and 2 days past with my work schedule still intact I met a few friends who discussed how badly I was dumped over I also got added information what an asshole he could be to sleep around with every women and I had no f#$%*&g idea.

I lost my thinking capacity and left home immediately to add to it this kinky bitch he was last seeing has a conversation that she was still in contact with him. I fired him ,I fired her and left this relationship once again.

Having said that now once again I feel disturbed and I cannot concentrate on anything and I want to hold him and kiss him and have him around me but I cannot trust him and this has broken me down…

That Frozen Moment ...

That frozen moment

She felt careless about herself, she woke up late read only page3 precisely horoscope and went to sleep back with no plans for the day. So what was her background to survive in a city like Mumbai without working? Well she was the only child to member of legislative assembly of Goa.She was not a spoilt child just that she did not know what to do with her boring life. She spent hours at home watching TV or at the most be out with a few friends who did not really know her family background. She did not drive her Mercedes parked but preferred roaming in an autorickshaw.She stood in front of the mirror always sulking on how bad she looked and left the house with short pants and loose t-shirt with sneakers and a shoulder bag filled with cigarettes and bottle of rum with loads of cash.

I know this is portraying an image of a spoilt child but your still getting her wrong she did smoke and drink but also made it a point she shares it with random buzzards she met on the streets even the ladies who smoked beedi.That gave her a sense of happiness and joy .She loved her life only for one reason and that is because she had infinite money she could spent on others and not really on herself. Now that we know so much about her let us know her name.

“I don’t really hang out with people like you but u seem to be wanting to smoke” she said to a stranger well dressed in formals who had a file in his hands looked like he had just answered an interview and was out with disappointment.”Yes can I borrow a smoke” he said.”Did you have a bad day at work?” “What more can u expect from Mumbai,so many vacancies and placement for none” he said.”Yeh Mumbai hai meri jaan sapnon ki nagri”(this is Mumbai my love city of dreams) she said and he continued “Jahaan sirf sapne hai sacchai nahi”(only dreams no reality).They had a long conversation for 1 hour and laughed and exchanged views looked like they were living similar life.

Before departure he asked her name “You tell me yours first” she said “Vinod D’silva” she laughed “Your name is a Hindu name and surname is Catholic?””I know I am not going to meet you again that is why I would tell you my mother is a Hindu who works as a maid and I am her unwanted child to a very big man in Goa” he said. “You’re from Goa?” she asked surprisingly adding to that she became more curious to know what position his father had in Goa.”How does that matter? He left us on our own and I don’t like to add his name to mine but because of mother I do “he said “Not that it will make any difference to me but my horoscope said today that there would be some breathtaking episode and I would be speechless, it’s ok if you don’t want to tell I don’t want to hurt you” she empathized.”Forget about me tell me your story you look like a rich girl who wants to talk a lot but does not really know how” he said

Hahahhahaha she laughed “You’re the first one who gave correct conclusion about me ,yes my name is Sara with the same surname like yours and I’m from Goa who does not really care for anyone just trying to spend all my dad’s black money” she continued to laugh.”Wow we share something common, what your dad does? Contract killer by any chance?” he added humor.”Well he is a member of legislative assembly his name is Francis D’Silva” she said

Suddenly Vinod looked angry and wanted to leave, he gave Sara bad stares and told her to back off while she went to stop him.”Hey what is the problem Vinod why are you going is there something wrong I said?” she felt worried and asked him pulling his arms.

“Our dad is a fucking bastard Sara ” he left

She walked silently with tears rolling down her face feeling so numb and frozen. She felt restless and angry but had no reaction on face. She just walked towards an auto rickshaw and left home.

World is a small place…