Confessions of the sensitive ME

What did I want in life just a good career, good house, stable finance and most importantly a healthy love life with no shadows of my past. Let me share some dirty details of my past well, I dated a guy who was very poor.

No it’s not what you think, I only meant poor with values and morals. Well coming from the top most rich family background all I heard from my family was stay away from roadside people and only to hang around in a gang of rich monkeys.Lol!! I had allergy towards rich boys always thought they are spoilt and would only want to be with a girl to have sex.

Well that’s me I was always in my own little space of some rubbish beliefs now I can say that. The reason to share my story is that today I am feeling free with absolutely no worries to get cheated or to lose anybody or even worried waking up with fear of troubled days. I went through rough relationship and today I am going to confess a few things nobody would want to hear

Hey Mr. Y I am not  sorry you always troubled me by looking at the rest of the girls in my presence and making it look like you are innocent sorry but I am clever and I have seen you all the time never wanted to tell you coz I was afraid of you leaving me ..

Hey Mr. Y I am not sorry for you abused the shit out of me and I got hurt terribly but never left you, I made efforts to be with you and forget of all the bad words you gave me even in the slightest argument we had coz I was afraid of you leaving me…

Hey Mr. Y I am not sorry for you dropped my pressure down by having sex with somebody in my absence and broke my trust and made me insecure about us. Cheating cannot just happen unknowingly right it’s like telling me “Baby I am sorry I accidentally had sex with someone”…I still did not leave you may be my tantrums were something out of control well isn’t that obvious how can I share you with someone and here it was like I am with a public man anybody could use for satisfaction still I did not leave you and tried to build our broken relationship coz I was afraid of you leaving me…

Hey Mr. Y I am not sorry for you not caring about me in my worst medical state and not being there for me when I needed you the most I understood that and gave you your space coz I was afraid of you leaving me…

Hey Mr. Y I am not sorry for you suddenly being a coward and telling me that you’re dumping me after all the mess you created in my life and having the audacity to come and tell me that this cannot work out. How much did I beg for us to be us how much did I want you with me all the time I dreamt of us together I dreamt of our life as one u got so ungrateful and asked me to just breakup? Suddenly you became so selfish talking about focusing on your career? Suddenly you remembered that our families would have a problem? Suddenly you realized that I have changed so much turning into an arrogant person coz of your doings?

Why are you forcing me in this relationship??  Said Mr. Y

Did you have at least little respect for me? Now I am saying this with all my heart  I was not with you for your looks coz you’re not that impressive I was not with you for money which you did not have I was not with you for fame I have more followers and contacts than you I was not with you coz I feel I would not get anybody I can show you a great battle of boys who want to be with me at this moment while I am typing I was not with you coz you were good at your profession coz when I said yes to you I hardly saw your work.

I was with you coz I genuinely loved you, I dreamt of you being mine forever where I had the rights to touch you and solely only I had the right to be in bed with you saw our future together and that why I was scared of losing that person of my fantasy I lived with you as him.

Reality is different you have given me blows on my heart I cannot imagine for doing nothing but wanting to be with you. I am not sorry and I am not afraid anymore …..

Loneliness Is Killing Me

I am blessed with great skills to make people laugh,entertain and keep them engaged in a conversation with me (any age group) thats my greatest strength.After Completion of my studies I decided to pursue my career and hence joined Wipro office as a consultant.I met an old friend of mine at the same office and fell in love with him.He made me feel so special everyday that i could give up everything for him.I was fading my identity in his colors and began to slowly turn into someone he wanted and not I actually am.
It seemed like I was hypnotized and his magic was so powerful that i forgot my friend circle my hobbies and every single part of my investment for happiness in life.Everything was going so good ,when one day I had to leave for an office trip for a month to Delhi he cried at the station that he would miss me and all of that I continued to tell him its just going to be for a month and il b back soon.
Initially he spoke to me after every 10 minutes then it decreased to 4 calls a day and further to only me calling him.I left every part of me for him how could he forget that?Once I was back I found something going unusual between us.Accidentally his phone was in my hands and it rang with a photograph of him with a girl it said Harsha calling I kept quiet and told him there was her missed call he got nervous and started apologizing and said that he got drifted for about four days with her and asked for forgiveness
which eventually I did,yes I forgive him.

A year later I found out that he was in multiple relationships with everyone and in my absence he slept with all these women he met.I broke down completely and decided to break up with him.the news echoed in my office and everyone started asking me about it ,I felt uncomfortable so the best option was to quit my job and stay at home.he pleaded and cried to give him one last chance and the soft heart that I have again i gave him a chance he made me feel special for some days and later again treatment of a servant I felt miserable and today after going through all this somewhere I feel I am too used to his presence or I am being selfish as leaving him might just kill me with a feeling of loneliness.I dont have friends who would come and spend time with me I have no relatives who would ask me about my well being.Its just me alone in this big world of assholes and fools like me...

I got the power !!!

"Make sure that you don’t look directly into their eyes and keep smiling with your eyes down or else they might just call off this proposal" said my Mother .She was scared I would miss this proposal as I am crossing my standard age of marriage, by the way who made this holy book which spoke about certain things that should be followed by a girl and certain by a women that is not it, certain code of conduct even for elderly women too. Why not a code of conduct for men then?? I asked my mother quickly "Why Maa  I should know the type of boy I would want to marry" she replied "It’s not that your 18 to make your choice by the grace of God you got this proposal at this age 25 is alarming situation so just shut-up and learn to respect our wish  " 

I felt like now I am a trained soldier to enter the marriage Cargill to go and obey the commandos all around me and continue to serve to country which would be my in laws family.

I entered the hall where the family was sitting along with my younger cousin and sat quietly, I tried to peep and see who the boy would be but I could not see anyone. The mother said hi to me with pride and introduced me to the family members beginning with her brother, daughters, grandparents I assumed she is a widow and there she said she was one and lost her husband just when her son was 7 years old he is the youngest.

After about 15 minutes one man entered I was scared that this might be him as he was going to be late and yes it was him I could not raise my eyes as I was scared and nervous as well.”Sapna this is Rishi my son" his mother said I shook hands with him and looked at him. He looked above 35 years to me I wanted some time alone with him to talk but I was not getting a chance and he looked tamed by his family so he did not make any initiative. God I want to talk to him before I am couriered to his place.

My father inquired about him and he was an engineer and loved gardening and cooking as part time. My father very proudly announced my PHD in psychology and told them about my part time activities of spending time with special children and social activism, quickly his mother also added that Rishi also is a social activist fighting for equality in sex .I was super impressed with that, suddenly I heard whispers from his sisters who were asking to give us time alone and we were allowed in the most obvious situation to go out in the garden and talk.

Hi as you already know my name is Rishi I would like to know about you Sapna he said "I am Sapna you know that too and I would like to know about you " I said and we both laughed we started talking about each other and our likes and hobbies I got kind of comfortable with him so I opened up a little more to know his views about women "What if I wore short skirt today and got introduced to you as a modern girl for this proposal?" I said "Well I would not be here talking to you then" his answer was quiet quick

"So you have a problem with the dressing?”

“Yea actually I hate it when women expose unnecessarily trying to grab attention now look at you, you’re wearing a beautiful sari like an Indian women with great appearance I like it that way. He said

“So women dressed in western outfit is unethical ?”I asked

“Totally, first they call for attention with indecent clothes then cry for being chased by men” he laughed

“I am sorry to know that an activist like you fighting for equality has such sick thoughts Rishi I really began liking your views till you just spoke your heart out about your narrow mentality”

He looked at me and tried to rectify I did not give him any chance to speak and moved out to the hall where the families were sitting and made a quick announcement that I am calling this proposal off My mother looked at me with shock

This man Rishi is a so called activist for equality of sex in the society who is still not aware that women here are asking for freedom and respect not for sick man like these to make a judgment of what a women should wear and how she should behave and talk, for that our parents take years to mould us in being good citizens Rishi you cannot try to change someone. Change your sick mentality which says girls who wear western clothes don’t portray good ethics in that case your sister is wearing a backless blouse her husband should leave her? I am sorry I cannot be a part of this hypocrisy I said and left with pride and no regrets

 “Why should you bow down to a man with no respect to women and follow his life patterns? We are free to do what we like and not be an actor faking a character which is not our real face”